Pigeons and pastys.

There's been many times when I've been walking through town in the early hours, not due to the fact that I'm only just getting in from a messy one that many of you might think but because I'd rather get my new clobber without the hassle of thousands of retarded ponses getting in my way.

Scousers love a good pasty, not sure if it's pasty or pastie? Norassed, I'll use pasty. Mainly because they're quick and easy enough.. you go in, pay someone that didn't listen in school abar a quid then walk out literally 5 seconds later with a scran. You always see someone walking around town, flakes of pastry around their mouth and getting followed by fucking seagulls and pigeons that are big enough for a David Attenborough commentary on Discovery Channel. No mess though, I've seen some seagulls that would have gotten away with working on the 051 if they had an SIA badge and a wooly hat.

These flying fuckers don't give an absolute shit about humanity at all. I've been fronted by a pigeon whilst walking through town, yer, fronted by a fucking pigeon because I had a brand new sausage and bean pasty gripped between my hands. When I say 'fronted' it literally stood in my way, I'm pretty sure if it had eyebrows it would have been snarling aswell. I gave it the old 'I'll fucking volley you' action, knowing I wouldn't or should I say couldn't, because let's be honest, you can't just get away with two-footing pigeons in town can you? Especially with my luck, there'd always be some RSPCA loving bellend who has this fetish for pigeons just around the corner with yesterdays loaf of bread.

So anyway, I made that 'fake volley' threat and this cheeky little bastard didn't even flinch, what is going on here? So I done this again, still, no flinch. I had a little look around, it was about 10 bells in the morning and the coast was clear, so I done it, I ripped off a chunk of my sausage and bean pasty, and fucking threw it at it's little weird, wobbling head. I know for a fact that it burnt the little bastard because it never ate it, instead, it flew away probably thinking "what's his game there, throwing boiling hot beans at my head?" And to be fair to the poor fucker my fingers were in bits, I'd bought this pasty about 2 minutes earlier and it came straight from the Sayers oven.. Unlike fucking Greggs, which come straight from the fucking fridge. I wern't going to talk about Greggs but I'ts getting a mention, why are there pastys never hot.. or even slightly warm for that matter? I didn't know you had to take your fucking pasty home and put it in the oven to heat it up yourself.
Fucking build-a-pasty.

Pic Related. Juice head seagull.

 

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