Summer and twats.

I love the summer, I love summer just as much as I love tea-bagging birds then making them pay their own taxi home. The sun comes out, so do my shorts and tee-shirts, I go a bit browner than previous, I end up bladdered and that is all that fucking matters. You can't beat a good BBQ either, big scran on the go, few biblical tunes on, little paddling pool out and showing off infront of the birds, me walking on the water, Moses parting it and all that.

Now I like going the beach when the suns got his bullhead out and the flags are cracking. It reminds me of back home in Bethlehem, sand everywhere which mostly in-between your arse crack. It's a feeling everyone hates but still not arsed about because fuck it.. it's summer isn't it, I'll get a shower and wipe the fuck out of it later. The normal routine for most scousers is to go the beach in the day with a few cans then sit in a beer garden sunburnt to fuck because let's face it, scousers are hard and factor 30 is for fucking wools or nerds that sit in the shade, if anything bang a bit of carrot oil on and glisten like Edward out of fucking Twilight. The glittery little bellend.

There's a few problems that come with sun in Liverpool, first of all you've got all the 'chestys' that have been smashing the gym for 7 months of the year just for this 1 week of sun. All going the beach like it's some sort of fucking pilgrimage to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Tops off showing bang-on tattoos such as "Only God Can Judge Me" sprayed across their juiced up shoulder blades. No mate, I've just judged you, and I judge that you are a full on wet wipe who probably does press-ups during adverts on the fucking tele.

Along with these 'chestys' come all the hibernators, the type of birds that live in your street but you never see and as soon as the clouds move out of the way then out come the same pair of denim shorts they all had on last year, mostly followed by a pink vest top, flip-flops and a pair of shit white sunglasses. Swerve it, you had that on in '2K7' so fucking leg it. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing better then clocking what obviously is sweaty clunge but fuckinghell, they're out in force, walking around the Asda in fucking bikinis. Have they not been near the fridges? It's fucking freezing. Costa del Walton.

There's another bad thing with the sun and that's sunburn. A scouser loves a legit tan, a tan that's different to fucking orange on most birds or bright pink on them lads that 'hit the beds' every now and then.The sun gives you a nice tan, unless your ginger. You could put a man in a room with a slap head but still no that he was ginger just by looking at how much he suffers and crisps in the sun. Picture related, he's still got his fucking tee-shirt on. The little redED.

There's always fucking moaners aswell, "It's too hot", "I can't sleep". Fucking fuck off, it's not, you can't sleep because you're awake and posting shit on Facebook  and Twitter about the weather, try opening your windows and closing your fucking eyes you little bin lid. Why moan about it? We only have it for a fucking week anyway.

Then there's always them birds that take photos of themselves on the beach or in the garden, yer, sound, ok, I can live with that. But do you really have to re-post the same picture and share it on Facebook every other fucking day? I seen it yesterday, I'm not going to 'like' and neither is anyone else you little cringey bastard so fucking pack it in.