FIFA - The rules.

I've been playing FIFA since the early days back in Bethlehem, FIFA AD to be precise, consisted of two teams, Romans and Jews. Every game was a derby and both teams were 2 star so the skill was limited to a single step over.. which if you were mad enough to attempt, could backfire with injury.

This blog is based on the rules of playing FIFA, either with a mate or online against some absolute beaut that you cant stand with a name like xXMag1kSk1llzXx or some other fucking daft name. I've played many people in my time and I have came to the conclusion that FIFA is absolutely shit unless the rules I'm about to state are adhered to. These rules can be considered as high as the fucking 10 commandments. I've sat there in fits of rage and shouting sheer abuse at Mary "Mary you fucking fat head", when jammy little bastards have snook in an equaliser last minute, backed out before the 5 minute mark or even lagged for the full fucking 12 minute game. Making it look like fucking crimewatch. These people need to be jabbed in the neck, with a fucking concrete slab, going online using their neighbours fucking wi-fi. The little meffs.

I could put a fucking tenner on it that ther's lads out there that play FIFA with a fucking footy scarf around their neck, strapped up in shinpads and singing fucking chants around the house.

FIFA RULES:

Pausing
Don't pause the game, don't abuse the need to pause either, once is enough to make a substitute. Why is there a need to pause? Are you eating your fucking tea? If that's the case then don't fucking start a game.

No Jew goals
Hitting the ball across the 6 yard box when there's no defenders.  These are impossible to save, I wouldn't even do this in 5 a side.

Barcelona V Real Madrid
Don't go either, unless the other cunt online has picked one first, I always go a 4.5 star team. In my eyes the people that go 5 star probably support clubs like Accrington Stanley or fucking Preston North End and are clearly shite at life.

Celebrations
We know you can score lad but I don't want to see a virtual fucking bellend version of you with a green afro, attempting to do the fucking worm in the middle of the pitch whilst being surrounded by other gimps in bright yellow fucking banana boots. Turn it in, give your head a wobble, get back to the match.

Penalties
Don't fucking hit them down the middle, this is a bad shithouse trick, everyone wants to make the perfect camera-shot save. Hitting it down the middle makes you a fucking prime pleb. Wool hit penalties down the middle to be safe, just like they only have sex with their bird in missionary position.. and with the lights off.

Replays
I seen your shit goal mate, you seen your shit goal, we're in the same fucking game. There's no reason to watch that shitness again.

International
If you want to go international teams then buy fucking Euro 2012.

Created players
Having your pro at 99, all skills achieved and being a bellend at being greedy? We all know you're really a fat bellend who spends about 7 hours a day in the fucking arena. Making your pro stand out because it's what you don't actually have in life. You're shit at footy, do not have dreadlocks and you are far from physically active. Fucking couch potato, stop slobbering on your mic, take off your Pot Noodle stained thermal vest and go for a real game of footy once in a while.

The Mic (Online)
Don't talk to me, I do not know you, nor do I wish to have any sort of communication with you. Also, you're a heavy breather, infact just turn your mic off.

Pro Clubs (Online)
If your position is set to defence then bail the fucking great escape, stay in your own half and stop trying to score 30 yarders with Tony Hibbert.

Pic Related: Me scoring a top bin. G'wed Jee lad.